Shticks

Connie and I have these little catch-phrases, one-liners based on formulas we've picked up here and there. Here's a sampling of our shticks:

Situation: When you hear a phrase that includes a military title.
Formula: Say "<title> <name>, sir!" and salute
Source: How I Met Your Mother
Examples:
 There's a general mishap, and you say, "General Mishap, sir!" and salute.
 There's a major pileup in traffic: "Major Pileup, sir!" and salute.

Situation: Someone gives you a vague action.
Formula: Say "I <action> in your general direction."
Source: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Examples:
 The cat belches and we say, "I belch in your general direction."

Situation: A product has a word in the title that could be an ingredient
Formula: "Is it made with real <ingredient>?"
Source: Addams Family movie
Examples:
 Girl Scout cookies: "Is it made with real Girl Scouts?"
 Tiger Balm: "Is it made with real tigers?"
 Baby Oil: "Is it made with real babies?"

Situation: Similar to prior shtick, a name that could be a subject
Formula: "For when you want to <action> <object>."
Examples:
 Electronic fly swatter: "For swatting electronic flies."
 Big garage sale: "They're selling big garages!"
 Huge car sale: "Do we need a huge car?"

Situation: You're approached by someone (something) to avoid.
Formula: Say, "Run away!"
Source: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Examples:
 Approached by someone with a clipboard: "Run away!"
 Approached by slobbering dog: "Run away!"

Situation: You're asked a question with an undesirable answer.
Formula: "You can't handle the truth!"
Source: A Few Good Men
Examples:
 Movie character asks, "Does this make me look fat?"

Situation: You're told something distasteful (too much information).
Formula: "TMI!"
Examples:
 "I had a funny colored bowel movement." "TMI!"
 "Then he kissed my..." "TMI!"
 "Then the dog ate it." "TMI!"
 "It smelled like..." "TMI!"

Situation: You read something rumored or unlikely.
Formula: "It was on the Internet, it must be true!"
Examples:
 Angelina Jolie slept with Larry King: "It was on the web, it must be true!"

Situation: Someone does something that you can cast as bad.
Formula: "I'm sorry!"
Source: One of my shticks.
Examples:
 "I went to Los Angeles." "I'm sorry!"
 "I just ate at McDonalds." "I'm sorry!"
 "I met your mother." "I'm sorry!"
 "My son is a lawyer." "I'm sorry!"

Situation: You're asked to disclose something.
Formula: "Can you keep a secret?" "yeah" "So can I!"
Source: A magic book I read
Examples:
 You're asked for your secret recipe. "Can you keep a secret? So can I!"

Situation: You're asked how something tastes.
Formula: "It tastes like chicken."
Source: Too many places. This one's getting overused.
Examples:
 What does alligator taste like? "It tastes like chicken!"
 How was the book? "It tastes like chicken!"

Situation: Someone asks if they can do something.
Formula: "I don't know. Can you?"
Source: One of my shticks. Yes, I'm a wise-ass.
Examples:
 "Can I play your flute?" "I don't know. Can you?"
 "Can I try that?" "I don't know, can you?"

Got any shticks like these you like to use?


Posted by Dave    Blog Tag: Humor