Deep Impact

PASADENA, Calif. - A mysterious transmission was intercepted today by NASA's Deep Impact flyby spacecraft, just hours before its impactor module was scheduled to intercept the Tempel 1 comet (due to collide Sunday, July 3, 10:52pm PDT). Cryptographers at JPL and the NSA, using sophisticated term frequency analysis and syntax estimation produced the following transcription, translated as nearly as possible to American English using word-frequencies and common grammatical constructions culled from Google:

Voice 1 (hereafter referred to as Lenny): Hey, Squiggy. Do you see what I see?

Voice 2 (hereafter referred to as Squiggy): I'm not falling for that trick again.

Lenny: No, really, I mean it this time. Look at monitor 3.

Squiggy: We've been in this orbit for twelve thousand years, and whenever we pass this planet, you pull the same stunt. Well, this time, it's not gonna work.

Lenny: But Squiggy, I was only joking before. This is for real.

[At this point a beeping sound can be heard in the transmission.]

Lenny and Squiggy: Hey, what's that?

Squiggy: Proximity alarm, moron. What did you do this time?

Lenny: Nothing. I was just sitting here. Why don't you see what the computer is beeping about?

Squiggy: Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Squiggy: What coordinates are these? Do we have any sensors pointed that way?

Lenny: Monitor 3.

Squiggy: Oh, yeah. Lemme look.

Squiggy: Hey, what's that?

Lenny: I don't know, but it's coming right at us.

Squiggy: That thing's over 800 pounds!

Lenny: It's almost as big as your mother.

[Smacking sounds can be heard in the transmission.]

Lenny: And it's built like her, too!

[More smacking sounds.]

Lenny: All right, all right! It's getting closer. That thing is fast.

Squiggy: This can't be right. It's going like 23,000 miles an hour!

Lenny: It ain't gonna hit us. Its trajectory is a bit off.

Squiggy: Not any more. Look at that! It's changing course. It's gonna get us dead center.

Lenny: You said we'd be safe out here. "Nobody's gonna look for a couple of two-bit hoodlums in the middle of a comet", you said. "It's a free ride," you said. What do you say now, Squiggy?

Squiggy: Fasten your safety belt and return your seat to its full, upright position.

Lenny: Mommy!

[End of transmission.]


Blog Tag: Humor